Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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