Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
