My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
