I just pynch a tree in the face
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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