he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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