dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
