I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
