You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
