The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
