it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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