last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
