Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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