if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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