her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
