the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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