His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
