please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I had to cum in my sink.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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