From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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