The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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