he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Who died my cat blue again?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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