My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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