Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
