I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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