The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
