i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i came on her dog
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
