and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
