census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
