so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
