SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
