she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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