he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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