I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
