dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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