I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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