I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
