somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
When did angry sex become our thing?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
