dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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