Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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