I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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