You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
