i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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