I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
No more Irish car bombs ever.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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