The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
