Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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