i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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