Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
