we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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