love makes seman taste better
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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