do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
