she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
